Hubby & I have been dealing with well-meaning friends & family for years offering up advice on our inability to conceive an extra kiddo. Now, we do NOT discuss this unless asked. Hubby tells everyone we are still trying. I tell them if it happens it happens. Not to mention pointedly reminding them that we already have a beautiful daughter.
Now I have advised hubby to stop saying we are "trying", because the old "it happens when you stop trying" is the line that comes next. Here's the thing. We stopped preventing almost 3 years ago. We have discussed it amongst ourselves. We are cool with being the parents of our only Short Round. We have dealt with the issue. Again If it happens, it happens.
But folks still feel the need to ask & poke at it. To be honest the subject is PAINFUL. Not to mention none of your business. Hubby is the greatest father in the world. I would love to bring another child into the world for us to love together, but after 3 years,we had to come to terms with that probably not happening.
Infertility is not something that you deal with once & then get over it. You try really hard not to get your hopes up, but then you are late a week. You start to wonder. Pass it off as stress & try desperately not to think about it. Not to hope for it. But you can't help it. or at least we can't. Maybe I should say I can't. It can happen out of nowhere. All the sudden I am 3 weeks late, or I skip a month entirely. Then the hope blooms in my chest like an extra heart. One that breaks a few days later. This has happend at least 3 times to me this year alone. It's difficult to deal with. And the stories about how your mother's cousin's best friend's sister tried for 11 years & finally gave birth at 56 is not helpful. And possibly false. Just sayin'.
Folks just want you to be happy. They want to give you that hope, but here's where the advice comes in. :
Stop Talking:)
When you realize we are not looking for fertility treatments: Shut your cake hole.
If someone wants advice, they usually ask for it. Especially about conceiving a child. Unless they are asking you specifically, or are lamenting the absence of an extra baby in the house, say nothing.
If you ask about the couples' baby plans & you get a vague answer. : MOVE ON!!
It is so hard to try & figure out how to gracefully get out of a difficult topic. Here's an idea. Talk about ANYTHING else. Even if the segue is abysmal, it will be appreciated.
We know people aren't trying to hurt us. I actually asked a family member to please stop asking because it was so painful in the beginning of our marriage. they respected my wishes. Other less immediate family members are not so considerate. That was a poor choice of words. they just forget. We aren't around them often. We don't see them as much as we should . They forget it has been years since we started trying. Or "Not Preventing"
Like I said, it can be really uncomfortable once you get on a touchy topic to realize how to get off the subject & on to a nuetral topic. here is one that still makes me laugh:
Old Friend: So when are you & Hubby going to have a baby together?
Me- We stopped preventing a couple years ago, so when it happens it happens.
OF- Well, are you gonna do IVF?
Me- No we discussed, no desire for multiples, triplets run in his family :)
OF- What about adoption?
Me( Obviously tensing)- No, I don't know if you remember, but we do have 1 exceptional daughter already.
OF (realizing I am becoming upset) So, Do you like gladiator movies?
Fell out laughing:)
Like I said, it's hard. People want to se you have babies once you get hitched. It's perfectly acceptable to ask. Just accept the answers given & move on with your day:)
Flipside:
Don't get pissed if people offer advice, when you let them know your struggles to have a child. People love to offer hope & kind words, because they love you. Ask respectfully to have the subject changed, or change it yourself. Ask them questions about the weather, the movies, the economy, their personal hygiene habits, whatever.
That usually does the trick :)
Friday, August 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Use it BEFORE You Forward It
I have been saving this one for a LONG time.
BEFORE you forward your next email... CHECK SNOPES.COM!!!!!
I get spam emails from people I hold near & dear ALL the freakin' time. And so do you. Don't lie.. you know folks who do it too... If not, then it is probably you :)
Anyway, it's always stuff like pepsico refusing to sell in the store where the American flag was flown incorrectly. Or that the government has been eavesdropping on Sean Penn's private conversations for years & now they are on to you & your family. Or maybe Bill gates wants to give us a million dollars each for adding him our friend's list on facebook. The list goes on & on.
Problem is... no one checks to see if you are forwarding on something that is accurate, or just passing on mis-information. Take the gist of your email & type it in at Snopes .com & they will give you the origins of the email & whether or not it is accurate or not.
With an election coming up,the emails are getting more & more outlandish & basically just fear/ hate speech. I might not have voted for some of these people, but lets not send emails connecting them to terrorist organizations because your cousin's sister-in-law sent you something that was forwarded to her by her stylist's ex-boyfriend's best friend who is really into politics.
The truly heinous ones are the ones exploiting children. Making up stories about missing children, about a child's deathbed wish. These are just disgusting & more often than not totally false. Unless you know the child personally check snopes.
www.snopes.com
Use it before you forward it.
BEFORE you forward your next email... CHECK SNOPES.COM!!!!!
I get spam emails from people I hold near & dear ALL the freakin' time. And so do you. Don't lie.. you know folks who do it too... If not, then it is probably you :)
Anyway, it's always stuff like pepsico refusing to sell in the store where the American flag was flown incorrectly. Or that the government has been eavesdropping on Sean Penn's private conversations for years & now they are on to you & your family. Or maybe Bill gates wants to give us a million dollars each for adding him our friend's list on facebook. The list goes on & on.
Problem is... no one checks to see if you are forwarding on something that is accurate, or just passing on mis-information. Take the gist of your email & type it in at Snopes .com & they will give you the origins of the email & whether or not it is accurate or not.
With an election coming up,the emails are getting more & more outlandish & basically just fear/ hate speech. I might not have voted for some of these people, but lets not send emails connecting them to terrorist organizations because your cousin's sister-in-law sent you something that was forwarded to her by her stylist's ex-boyfriend's best friend who is really into politics.
The truly heinous ones are the ones exploiting children. Making up stories about missing children, about a child's deathbed wish. These are just disgusting & more often than not totally false. Unless you know the child personally check snopes.
www.snopes.com
Use it before you forward it.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Movie Partners
I got to do something Sunday night that I have never gotten to do with my husband before. We went to the movies together. I know, sounds like first date territory. I am not sure why we never went to the movies, just never had. It was bliss. To sit there & watch a cool action flick, holding my husbands hand. Perfect. He is my perfect movie companion.
Been to the movies often with people who are not such perfect movie companions. Tonights unsolicited advice tells you how to be a decent movie companion.
Pick the proper theater for the type of movie you are seeing. I went to see Freddy Vs. Jason. Horrible movie. I should have had a horrible time, but NO. It was fabulous fun. Wanna know why? We went to the Movie tavern on dollar beer day. Could have been torture anywhere else, but with sweet people bringing alcohol, it was fun for all.
No one goes to the movie tavern to see a serious drama. There are servers walking up & down the aisles. We go there for comedy, action, horror, horror that is more like a comedy. Good times.
Another way to be a good movie companion is to be a prompt movie companion. I love to see the trailers on the big screen. I like to get there in plenty of time to get my balanced meal of Diet Coke & Milkduds, get a decent seat, relax & not worry about missing the first 5 minutes of the movie. You folks who come in late & then get up to get snacks are distracting.
Most importantly Shut It. I have actually broken up with people who talked during a movie. Now I am not talking about an amusing aside whispered to the person next to you. I am talking about actual talking in the theater. It is beyond rude to those of us forced to sit near you. Not to mention totally embarassing for those who came to the theater with you.
On a side note, texting while in a theater is most distracting. Your cell phone is like a beacon in a dark theater. If you are not able to be away from your phone for the 2 hours or less most movies are, then possibly Video on Demand from your couch might be your best option. Don't forget to turn down your phone ringer. That can be super embarassing. I don't care HOW cool you think your ringtone is. It was not included on the soundtrack for a reason.
Now there are other annoying things done at the movies, kicking the seat in front of you, crying babies, screaming children taken to movies WAY too adult for their age group. the people who have to go past your seat to get to the restroom, all 700 times they go during a film, but you get the gist.
Been to the movies often with people who are not such perfect movie companions. Tonights unsolicited advice tells you how to be a decent movie companion.
Pick the proper theater for the type of movie you are seeing. I went to see Freddy Vs. Jason. Horrible movie. I should have had a horrible time, but NO. It was fabulous fun. Wanna know why? We went to the Movie tavern on dollar beer day. Could have been torture anywhere else, but with sweet people bringing alcohol, it was fun for all.
No one goes to the movie tavern to see a serious drama. There are servers walking up & down the aisles. We go there for comedy, action, horror, horror that is more like a comedy. Good times.
Another way to be a good movie companion is to be a prompt movie companion. I love to see the trailers on the big screen. I like to get there in plenty of time to get my balanced meal of Diet Coke & Milkduds, get a decent seat, relax & not worry about missing the first 5 minutes of the movie. You folks who come in late & then get up to get snacks are distracting.
Most importantly Shut It. I have actually broken up with people who talked during a movie. Now I am not talking about an amusing aside whispered to the person next to you. I am talking about actual talking in the theater. It is beyond rude to those of us forced to sit near you. Not to mention totally embarassing for those who came to the theater with you.
On a side note, texting while in a theater is most distracting. Your cell phone is like a beacon in a dark theater. If you are not able to be away from your phone for the 2 hours or less most movies are, then possibly Video on Demand from your couch might be your best option. Don't forget to turn down your phone ringer. That can be super embarassing. I don't care HOW cool you think your ringtone is. It was not included on the soundtrack for a reason.
Now there are other annoying things done at the movies, kicking the seat in front of you, crying babies, screaming children taken to movies WAY too adult for their age group. the people who have to go past your seat to get to the restroom, all 700 times they go during a film, but you get the gist.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sympathy For the Driver
Today's advice is how to be a courteous passenger. Gas prices have come down, but they are still up there. So anyone willing to drive you is a good friend. Be a good passenger.
Rule number one, don't jack with the radio. If you are too lazy to drive, then don't complain about the music. I was raised driver picks the tunes in the car. If you want to listen to something else, feel free to ask. Just don't hijack the radio. Never change the station or adjust the volume with out asking first. It's rude.
Rule number 2, if driver has to stop for gas to take you somewhere, offer to pitch in. I am not saying pay for the whole tank of gas, but at least pitch in a few dollars. Even if they were going anyway. I have forgotten to do this on occassion & always felt like an idiot after.
Rule number 3, if you are picky about the route that should be taken, give notice. Nothing more annoying than someone who is not an effective navigator. It is totally irritating to be expected to drive somewhere you have never been with someone who has been there before & won't give proper directions. If you don't know exactly how to get somewhere & YOU won't drive, then get the address & map it for the person who is. Those of you who offer up 17 different ways to get where you are going en route are just as annoying. Pick a way & let us try that. Unless we are trying to get around traffic, you are only confusing the situation.
Rule number 4, if you know a person's driving is unnerving to you. Drive yourself. I am a horrible driver. My buddy Brett has fully admitted he will never ride with me again. that's cool with me. he never said a word while he was in the car. Too busy praying. I am much better now that I drive the Short Round. But still not the best driver ever. Hubby never wants to drive, but ALWAYS complains about my driving when we go places together. Makes me want to drive into on coming traffic. FYI the only time we were nearly seriously injured in a vehicle, HE was driving. I'm just sayin'.
Rule number 5, don't aggravate the driver. Again, this person is doing you a favor, be considerate.
Now I am not suggesting the driver gets to be all Driver-zilla & is the only one with any consideration. I am saying anyone driving in traffic, so you don't have to deserves a little kindness.
Rule number one, don't jack with the radio. If you are too lazy to drive, then don't complain about the music. I was raised driver picks the tunes in the car. If you want to listen to something else, feel free to ask. Just don't hijack the radio. Never change the station or adjust the volume with out asking first. It's rude.
Rule number 2, if driver has to stop for gas to take you somewhere, offer to pitch in. I am not saying pay for the whole tank of gas, but at least pitch in a few dollars. Even if they were going anyway. I have forgotten to do this on occassion & always felt like an idiot after.
Rule number 3, if you are picky about the route that should be taken, give notice. Nothing more annoying than someone who is not an effective navigator. It is totally irritating to be expected to drive somewhere you have never been with someone who has been there before & won't give proper directions. If you don't know exactly how to get somewhere & YOU won't drive, then get the address & map it for the person who is. Those of you who offer up 17 different ways to get where you are going en route are just as annoying. Pick a way & let us try that. Unless we are trying to get around traffic, you are only confusing the situation.
Rule number 4, if you know a person's driving is unnerving to you. Drive yourself. I am a horrible driver. My buddy Brett has fully admitted he will never ride with me again. that's cool with me. he never said a word while he was in the car. Too busy praying. I am much better now that I drive the Short Round. But still not the best driver ever. Hubby never wants to drive, but ALWAYS complains about my driving when we go places together. Makes me want to drive into on coming traffic. FYI the only time we were nearly seriously injured in a vehicle, HE was driving. I'm just sayin'.
Rule number 5, don't aggravate the driver. Again, this person is doing you a favor, be considerate.
Now I am not suggesting the driver gets to be all Driver-zilla & is the only one with any consideration. I am saying anyone driving in traffic, so you don't have to deserves a little kindness.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Letting The Changes Happen
People always want you to be the way you were in their memory. Regardless of whether that is a faulty memory, or just an idealized version of yourself. I have something to say to that:
Forget you.
Myspace & Facebook have given us an incredible opportunity to mix all of our friends. People who knew you in high school, your mother, my mothers-in-law, my teenage cousin, people who knew me in my drinking days, bad girl moments, church going-choir singing times, all on the same page, reading my same updates.
You would be amazed at the folks who expect you to think like you did the last time they saw you. Yikes! How horrible would that be? To never mature, to never make a change of anykind. Some accused me of turning my back on them to live a new lifestyle. I was forgetting who I was.
Nope. I am remembering who I am NOW. The daughter I am raising NOW. The incredible man I am married to NOW. I have made some bad choices, some amazing choices, some abysmal choices. I have a hard time regretting any of it, because I am living such an amazing life now.
People change. Don't let someone else's conception of who you used to be color who you are now. Don't be offended that they have those misconceptions. I have run into people I haven't seen in 20 years who have a better handle on who I am now than people I talked to just last week. Take the comments with some class. Make a joke of it.
When people were astonished I had a child & was married now. I made a joke of it. I tell them I had to stop the bar scene because Short Round kept getting kicked out for being an angry drunk. People sometimes have a hard time processing changes. They only have what they remember to go by.
You decide who you are. Your actions show the world how you have changed. Let them catch up in their own time.
Forget you.
Myspace & Facebook have given us an incredible opportunity to mix all of our friends. People who knew you in high school, your mother, my mothers-in-law, my teenage cousin, people who knew me in my drinking days, bad girl moments, church going-choir singing times, all on the same page, reading my same updates.
You would be amazed at the folks who expect you to think like you did the last time they saw you. Yikes! How horrible would that be? To never mature, to never make a change of anykind. Some accused me of turning my back on them to live a new lifestyle. I was forgetting who I was.
Nope. I am remembering who I am NOW. The daughter I am raising NOW. The incredible man I am married to NOW. I have made some bad choices, some amazing choices, some abysmal choices. I have a hard time regretting any of it, because I am living such an amazing life now.
People change. Don't let someone else's conception of who you used to be color who you are now. Don't be offended that they have those misconceptions. I have run into people I haven't seen in 20 years who have a better handle on who I am now than people I talked to just last week. Take the comments with some class. Make a joke of it.
When people were astonished I had a child & was married now. I made a joke of it. I tell them I had to stop the bar scene because Short Round kept getting kicked out for being an angry drunk. People sometimes have a hard time processing changes. They only have what they remember to go by.
You decide who you are. Your actions show the world how you have changed. Let them catch up in their own time.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
What's In a Name?
Would a rose by any other name not smell as sweet? Probably not, but if her name is Rose & you call her Lily, You are mostly likely getting the stink eye. That alone, not a big thing. I forget names all the time. Luckily, I live in the south. I can call nearly anyone Sugar, Honey or Darling & get away with it.
My true complaint is the attitude of people when you correct them on your name. Don't act like I am asking you to develop a cure for cancer when I correct you for calling me by a name that is not mine. Maybe you call someone Rob & their name is Ron. Close enough some say.
Um. No. You might be off by a letter, but you are still wrong.
Having taken nearly 2 years to stop accidently calling my friends Brett & Brent by each other's names, I know it's not done on purpose. Thank goodness I could blame it on the alcohol & the incredibly loud bar we all drank at. Again, it's the attitude of the person being corrected that gets to me.
Laughing it off & doing better next time, totally acceptable. Getting offended that you were politely corrected, asinine. It is rude to call someone by the wrong name. It's disrepectful. It is saying to them that they do not matter enough to you to try & learn their name.
I have some exceptions, those of you with 42 nicknames. You don't get to be offended that someone can't remember your name. You have too many & it's confusing. Families that use the same first letter in more than 5 kids' names. I will never keep that straight. I panicked when hubby told me all his brothers & sister had names beginning with letter J. One of them goes by his middle name, one is a female & that makes the the other 2 are easy to remember.
If you are like me & forget often here are some tricks to keep a name in your head.
1. Repeat it often during conversation. Some say at least 5 times. if they ask, tell them the truth, you are trying to make sure you don't forget the name.
2. Ask a QUIET friend. No need to ask someone who is going to shout it out so the whole neighborhood knows you forgot that one guy's name again.
3. Write it down. I was at the park, met some cool moms & their kids. I wrote down all the names when I got home. So I don't have to worry about forgetting who goes with who.
4. Tie it to a song. There are a few bajillion songs out there with names for titles. Ex- you meet Dan- You think Daniel's Song by Elton John. Might suck to have a song you hate in your head, but might keep the name in your mind.
5. Tie it to Tv or Movie. The episode of Friends when Rachel is dating Joshua. She keeps saying Josh- ua. Joshua. I will never forget a Joshua, because I can hear Jennifer Anniston saying Josh-ua in my head when ever I see them.
6. Make sneaky introductions. When you have someone who's name escapes you, have one of your friends introduce themselves. You get their name again & they don't know you forgot. You can always play it off that you thought they had already met.
Again, no one expects to have their name emblazoned in your memory, but it is a sting to the pride to have your name forgotten. Be cool when you are correcting someone & hopefully they will be cool back.
My true complaint is the attitude of people when you correct them on your name. Don't act like I am asking you to develop a cure for cancer when I correct you for calling me by a name that is not mine. Maybe you call someone Rob & their name is Ron. Close enough some say.
Um. No. You might be off by a letter, but you are still wrong.
Having taken nearly 2 years to stop accidently calling my friends Brett & Brent by each other's names, I know it's not done on purpose. Thank goodness I could blame it on the alcohol & the incredibly loud bar we all drank at. Again, it's the attitude of the person being corrected that gets to me.
Laughing it off & doing better next time, totally acceptable. Getting offended that you were politely corrected, asinine. It is rude to call someone by the wrong name. It's disrepectful. It is saying to them that they do not matter enough to you to try & learn their name.
I have some exceptions, those of you with 42 nicknames. You don't get to be offended that someone can't remember your name. You have too many & it's confusing. Families that use the same first letter in more than 5 kids' names. I will never keep that straight. I panicked when hubby told me all his brothers & sister had names beginning with letter J. One of them goes by his middle name, one is a female & that makes the the other 2 are easy to remember.
If you are like me & forget often here are some tricks to keep a name in your head.
1. Repeat it often during conversation. Some say at least 5 times. if they ask, tell them the truth, you are trying to make sure you don't forget the name.
2. Ask a QUIET friend. No need to ask someone who is going to shout it out so the whole neighborhood knows you forgot that one guy's name again.
3. Write it down. I was at the park, met some cool moms & their kids. I wrote down all the names when I got home. So I don't have to worry about forgetting who goes with who.
4. Tie it to a song. There are a few bajillion songs out there with names for titles. Ex- you meet Dan- You think Daniel's Song by Elton John. Might suck to have a song you hate in your head, but might keep the name in your mind.
5. Tie it to Tv or Movie. The episode of Friends when Rachel is dating Joshua. She keeps saying Josh- ua. Joshua. I will never forget a Joshua, because I can hear Jennifer Anniston saying Josh-ua in my head when ever I see them.
6. Make sneaky introductions. When you have someone who's name escapes you, have one of your friends introduce themselves. You get their name again & they don't know you forgot. You can always play it off that you thought they had already met.
Again, no one expects to have their name emblazoned in your memory, but it is a sting to the pride to have your name forgotten. Be cool when you are correcting someone & hopefully they will be cool back.
What It's All About
This is a new blog for me & my various non-blogging counter parts to dish out advice. We have no qualifications whatsoever to tell you how to live your life. Heck I had to look up whatsoever to see exactly how to type it up properly. Clearly punctuation & spelling won't be large topics here. These are our opinions. Mostly mine, since I am writing it all up. Feel free to send messages to the facebook & twitter pages if you have topics to bring up.
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