Hubby & I have been dealing with well-meaning friends & family for years offering up advice on our inability to conceive an extra kiddo. Now, we do NOT discuss this unless asked. Hubby tells everyone we are still trying. I tell them if it happens it happens. Not to mention pointedly reminding them that we already have a beautiful daughter.
Now I have advised hubby to stop saying we are "trying", because the old "it happens when you stop trying" is the line that comes next. Here's the thing. We stopped preventing almost 3 years ago. We have discussed it amongst ourselves. We are cool with being the parents of our only Short Round. We have dealt with the issue. Again If it happens, it happens.
But folks still feel the need to ask & poke at it. To be honest the subject is PAINFUL. Not to mention none of your business. Hubby is the greatest father in the world. I would love to bring another child into the world for us to love together, but after 3 years,we had to come to terms with that probably not happening.
Infertility is not something that you deal with once & then get over it. You try really hard not to get your hopes up, but then you are late a week. You start to wonder. Pass it off as stress & try desperately not to think about it. Not to hope for it. But you can't help it. or at least we can't. Maybe I should say I can't. It can happen out of nowhere. All the sudden I am 3 weeks late, or I skip a month entirely. Then the hope blooms in my chest like an extra heart. One that breaks a few days later. This has happend at least 3 times to me this year alone. It's difficult to deal with. And the stories about how your mother's cousin's best friend's sister tried for 11 years & finally gave birth at 56 is not helpful. And possibly false. Just sayin'.
Folks just want you to be happy. They want to give you that hope, but here's where the advice comes in. :
Stop Talking:)
When you realize we are not looking for fertility treatments: Shut your cake hole.
If someone wants advice, they usually ask for it. Especially about conceiving a child. Unless they are asking you specifically, or are lamenting the absence of an extra baby in the house, say nothing.
If you ask about the couples' baby plans & you get a vague answer. : MOVE ON!!
It is so hard to try & figure out how to gracefully get out of a difficult topic. Here's an idea. Talk about ANYTHING else. Even if the segue is abysmal, it will be appreciated.
We know people aren't trying to hurt us. I actually asked a family member to please stop asking because it was so painful in the beginning of our marriage. they respected my wishes. Other less immediate family members are not so considerate. That was a poor choice of words. they just forget. We aren't around them often. We don't see them as much as we should . They forget it has been years since we started trying. Or "Not Preventing"
Like I said, it can be really uncomfortable once you get on a touchy topic to realize how to get off the subject & on to a nuetral topic. here is one that still makes me laugh:
Old Friend: So when are you & Hubby going to have a baby together?
Me- We stopped preventing a couple years ago, so when it happens it happens.
OF- Well, are you gonna do IVF?
Me- No we discussed, no desire for multiples, triplets run in his family :)
OF- What about adoption?
Me( Obviously tensing)- No, I don't know if you remember, but we do have 1 exceptional daughter already.
OF (realizing I am becoming upset) So, Do you like gladiator movies?
Fell out laughing:)
Like I said, it's hard. People want to se you have babies once you get hitched. It's perfectly acceptable to ask. Just accept the answers given & move on with your day:)
Flipside:
Don't get pissed if people offer advice, when you let them know your struggles to have a child. People love to offer hope & kind words, because they love you. Ask respectfully to have the subject changed, or change it yourself. Ask them questions about the weather, the movies, the economy, their personal hygiene habits, whatever.
That usually does the trick :)
